Reader, when I first started this blog, I did not want to tell Surgeon.
We’re private people, with limited social media involvement, and don’t really care to share our lives outside of close friends and relatives.
Surgeon goes farther than that and doesn’t even talk about his work in general, best friends or no. I tend to pry it out of him myself from time to time. I admire his lack of needing to share things, but it has now become a source of a conflict that is ultimately denying me the joys of writing.
Like I said, I did not want to tell Surgeon about this blog, but there is nothing worse in a marriage than secrets; relationships thrive on openness, honesty and breaking barriers together. And so I confessed.
His reaction wasn’t pretty. Why are you putting my life online? I would never do that to you. Is being anonymous really anonymous? You’re just sharing things we wouldn’t even tell our friends to a world of strangers instead. How is that fair?
Legit questions and concerns. I felt terrible… was I really writing because I wanted to take his life and make it a hobby? Was I really invading his privacy? For about a day after this bitter conversation, I was ashamed. But as I sulked and wiped tears away on and off, I kept asking myself, what was I doing, exactly?
Was I really sharing his life? No… I was sharing mine. He happens to be big part of my life. Did I really want to expose him in any way? Absolutely not. If anything, my husband is the light of my life… I have nothing bad to say about him and would never aim to, either. Is this fair to him? I am not sure yet, reader. If I mean no harm and do no harm, is it fair to write on?
I opened the discussion again with him and it has come down to this: he does not want to know about this blog, or the readers, or the thoughts I share on it. As long as I keep it to myself, I can keep writing.
In some strange way, this is worse… it makes me lonelier, farther away from him, and punished for doing something I truly love doing. It feels like NOT being loved.
Yet, maybe it’s just the shock of being written about… Maybe one day Surgeon will chance upon this blog and realize my love for writing. Then again, maybe he never will and I’ll be left forever hoping.
But if there is one thing I cannot do, reader, it would be quitting. Nothing good ever happened by doing nothing. And so, I’ll write. I’ll write because I don’t know anything I do better. I’ll write because it brings me the same joy Surgeon gets when he saves a person’s life. I’ll write because I can.
Nothing deserves to stop me.